Healing Stories: Codependency – “My Mom Ruins My Life…Every Day”
Millions of people around the world had crappy childhoods. Parents that are ignorant. Addicted. Self-centered. That have no ability to teach love, respect, honesty or integrity.
And millions of individuals choose to rise above their experiences, by doing really intense deep work with a counselor, minister, life coach and more.
And on the other hand, unfortunately, millions upon millions more decide to stay stuck in victimhood. They continue to blame their parents for the crappy life they live as adults.
Number one best-selling author, counselor, life coach and radio host David Essel has helped millions of people over the past 37 years to overcome terrible childhood’s. But unfortunately, he’s also lost the battle with thousands more, who choose to stay victims in life.
The story below, from David’s number one best-selling book on positive thinking, illustrates the challenge of overcoming victimhood, as adults trying to live happily in the world today.
” I had received a phone call from a potential client that wanted to work on her relationships with men. She had been married multiple times, all of them ending in divorce, multiple children from multiple different fathers… And her life is spinning out of control.
But I had no idea when she came in for our first session, that the real issue she had went back to childhood. And that her drama and chaos continued today, because of her inability to let go of the past, as well as to let go of her current relationship with her mom which had spiraled for 30 years totally out of control.
As 0ur work continued, I was getting the full story. As a little girl, her mom chastised her, made fun of her for not being able to comprehend math. As the years went by, the chastising increased until when this girl was in high school, she dropped out. She couldn’t handle the constant criticism when her mom would tell her that she was dumb, stupid, and couldn’t figure out the simplest of math equations.
Now in my clients defense, this is a terrible, obviously an extremely emotionally abusive childhood to have for anyone. When you have your parent, or parents, criticizing you for being stupid, or lazy, or ignorant or whatever it might be , imprints within the subconscious mind, that we are worthless.
And so this young girl acted out her mom’s statements. By dropping out of high school, she proved her mom was right. That she wasn’t smart at all.
After a few years however something magical happened. She found a profession that she loved, A trade school gave her the foundation to be able to become her own boss.
By the age of 21, with no high school education and no GED, she opened her first business and earned $150,000 that year!
Now this sounds like a fairytale ending doesn’t it? The only problem is, is that this young girl had an extremely disturbingly codependent relationship with her mom. Her mom continued to tell her that while she was making this money that she was going to blow it… She didn’t know how to handle her money… Or her taxes… Or her bills… Or anything. And the young girl proved her mom right.
No matter how much money she made, she was constantly broke. And mom was right there the whole time telling her how ignorant she was with money, further putting into her subconscious mind that she was a worthless businesswoman.
And because of the statements from her mom, this young girl invited her mom into her business to do her books. And then her taxes. She believed her mom was right that she was ignorant around money, math and more and she couldn’t do this on her own… But that her mom who was brilliant with money supposedly, would come and rescue her.
Fast forward to the first two weeks I worked with this young woman, she was now in her early 40s. And guess what? Mom was still tagging along. Every week reminding her how stupid she was with money, and thank God her mom was with her in order to pay her bills, do her taxes, and generally harass the hell out of her about her ignorance.
Since this young woman was still trapped in this relationship with her mom, and told on a weekly and monthly basis how stupid she was, she could never grow past her mom’s comments.
Within a few weeks I was offering her the options of slowly removing her mom from her life. It was really the only way to go. She didn’t have the strength to stand up to her mom for more than a couple weeks, and so the best option for her would’ve been to eliminate mom from her life for a short period of time, maybe only 90 days, so she could start to regain some self-esteem, confidence and learn that there are many other accountants out there who could help her with her business and her taxes.
But this is where the power of codependency comes into play. In 2002, I said that “codependency is the largest addiction in the world today.”
And it is. This young woman was so codependent with her mom, that even though her mom was raging at her on a regular basis about how stupid she was… This young woman could not break those chains. That, is codependency at its worst.
It was shortly after my client and I had talked about an escape plan with her mom, that she stopped coming in for her work. And I told her it might happen. I told her that if her codependency was as deep as I thought, the solution would scare the hell out of her. Even though her mom was a horrendous person in her life, she could not pull herself away from this relationship… Mom had gotten her tentacles into this young girls brain and even in her 40s, she continued to believe her mom’s Words.
You are stupid. You are ignorant with math. You’re ignorant with money. Without me your life would absolutely suck.
Even though the statements weren’t true… The codependent takes them as fact.
Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending. But it does offer a great warning sign for everyone else in the world.
If you are in any type of a relationship with a mother, father, partner, friend, coworker, boss… And you are an adult… And you’re allowing them to demean you, to put you down, it is your responsibility and yours alone to shatter this terrible addiction of codependency.
No one deserves this. But like all addictions, they are hard as hell to break. And almost impossible to break on your own.
From her 20s to her 40s, unfortunately, this young woman is constantly in financial stress. She’s constantly owing people thousands upon thousands of dollars. She has zero self-esteem. Zero self-confidence. And in my humble opinion, until we totally break away from these type of people… We will never reach inner peace, or our full potential.
It’s up to you. I do not agree with the philosophy that “well they’re my family, you can’t abandon a family member.” That statement is absolutely ridiculous! If you use that to justify staying with a family member who emotionally puts you down or abuses you… That is insanity.
On the other side, we have helped thousands of people in similar circumstances to the client I’ve written about above, to break free, to create their own life, their own independence… And find inner peace and contentment sometimes without any contact with a family member for the rest of your life.
Now I don’t think everyone has to completely eliminate a person who is unkind, condescending or emotionally abusive… But I do believe that we need to learn to set serious boundaries with consequences, in order to regain our own sense of self, self-confidence and self-esteem.
You can do this. We will never do it on our own. We will need help from a counselor, coach, therapist, minister or more in order to shatter the tentacles of codependency. Make sure you’re doing this today.”
If you need help with this type of the situation, visit David’s website and look under the specialty courses for his number one best-selling course on codependency, at http://davidessel.com/co-dependency-kills/
Millions of Americans wake up every day lost in life. Maybe they’re struggling with money. They’re in a relationship they can’t fix. They’re overweight, struggling with not only health issues but with self-esteem. Or maybe they’re struggling with addiction.
The bottom line is… Millions of Americans are lost in life right now.
For the past 37 years, counselor, life coach, number one best-selling author and radio host David Essel has had one mission only… “To help lift the spirits of 1 million people or more every day.”
The story David is going to share with us today, comes from one of his clients who was absolutely lost in life… And what he did to totally turn it around.
” My work over the past 37 years has been to help people find direction in life. People who are lost, confused, frustrated, addicted and more.
A while ago I received a call from a man who said that he needed help in every area of life. He had struggled deeply with an addiction to opiates, alcohol, nicotine, weight and so much more.
He said he was motivated. He was ready. Of course everyone says that, but there are a few people who are truly ready to do everything that they possibly can to change their lives.
He was one of them. Totally lost, and about to find himself for possibly the first time in his existence. He was raised in an addicted household.
Alcohol and drugs were part of the every day existence of many members of his family. So he became the environment that he lived in.
His latest struggle was an all out battle with opiate addiction, combined with alcohol, nicotine and his low self-esteem had allowed him to gain 80 pounds. More than he had ever weighed in his life.
In his first session we went into a discussion about the power of the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind. He was eating it up like a sponge drinks water. He was asking questions. He was taking notes. He was talking about action steps that he wanted me to help him create, so within the next seven days he was on the path to freedom. He wanted to find himself now.
Over the course of several months he got to see how his environment as a young child had molded him into the addict he was today.
Whenever you’re in an environment where adults use alcohol on a regular basis, or prescription drugs, or siblings who may be experimenting with drugs and alcohol and encourage you to be part of their world… The odds of moving through that type of childhood into adulthood free of addiction are incredibly tiny.
When we did an exercise looking at all the emotions he was running from, through the use of alcohol, drugs and nicotine, as well as food, and he was blown away. His subconscious mind had accepted a pattern that this was normal. Absolutely normal. But of course this and result of his life has been nothing but abnormal.
He looked back and thought that by now in his life he should be a millionaire. He looked at his relationship with his wife and thought it is nowhere near where it needs to be. He came in about the second month more fired up than I’d ever seen him.
He was taking the brain chemistry supplements I recommended and was feeling incredible. He had cut down is nicotine from 20 pieces of nicotine gum a day to five and soon that would go to one.
When I describe the importance of exercise, as a way to release endorphins in the brain to help lift his spirits and give him energy, he knew it was true but couldn’t figure out how to fit it into his schedule with his long workdays. But he was about to change everything. When he came in the next week with his new schedule of eating every four hours, which he had never done before, exercising at 4:30 in the morning, even I was blown away!
I kept saying to myself… Here was a guy that just a month ago who was totally lost… Who is really finding himself now.
His new schedule was impressive. Up at 3:45 in the morning. Meditation. Affirmations. Journaling. In the gym at 5 o’clock in the morning. Out of the gym at 7:30 in the morning. Into work by 8 o’clock, and back home by 6 o’clock. What a day!
And then came the rebuilding of his marriage. He started leaving notes for his wife every morning as he left early for the gym. Short little notes. “I love you. I will miss you today. I can’t wait to see you tonight. ”
He was lost… And now once again he was finding himself in a marriage he had always wanted to be this special, loving, kind.
We got into the discussion of the power of thought and he quickly picked up that our thoughts would only account for 20% of our success… The other 80%? Action into the uncomfortable. But he also saw that once he started to do the action steps into the uncomfortable… They just became a part of his life.
He was lost… Now he had found himself. His life. His marriage. Even his work picked up dramatically as he started to see the difference that he was making in the lives of others, and how work continued to pour in almost faster than he could handle it.
The icing on the cake for me actually came as a surprise phone call from his wife one day after we had ended working together for over a month. As she started talking of course my concern was hoping that he had not gone back to his old ways but the opposite was true.
She was filled with joy. She commented about the notes that he left every morning, and how they had made a complete difference in their marriage… Yes little notes in the morning had made a complete difference in their marriage.
Now, comes the best part. Not only is he changing his life by eating 4-5 times times a day, and going to the gym every day, but she has started to join him multiple days a week at the gym. Their marriage is solid.
Are you lost? Do you struggle with weight? Addiction? Emotional spending? Low self-esteem? Low self-confidence?
I can tell you firsthand after being in this industry for 37 years, that this type of turn around in someone’s life demands incredible effort, and it is worth every ounce of effort that you will give it.
I am so proud of this former client. You can do the same thing. Are you ready? Contact us at www.davidessel.com and we will help you achieve the life you’ve always wanted.”
Healing Stories: Relationships – My Husband Was Not The Man I Was Looking For.
Relationships…Imagine this. You’re on the search for the man of your dreams. People have convinced you that you must find your soulmate in life in order to feel complete, whole and happy. And you buy into that story. Your life is not complete without the super special hero that you’ve been looking for for two years .
Over the past 27 years, number one best-selling author, counselor, life coach and radio host David Essel has helped hundreds of women in the same predicament. They feel less than, as they watch their girlfriends get married, have babies, and create the dreams of their lives. Or so they think.
And in their work with David, many of them find something magical that has nothing to do with the soulmate myth. Let’s have David talk about one special woman that he worked with, and how the man of her dreams, was never the husband she was actually looking for.
“A number of years ago I g0t an email from a woman who would listen to my radio show. In the email it was quite clear that she was looking for her soulmate. She felt that she was incomplete. She was not a whole. But she told me in the email that if I could help her find the man of her dreams, her life would finally be worth living. And she even sent me a description of what this man would look like.
She said that he would be 6 feet tall or taller, blonde hair, blue eyes and he would be earning a salary of $150,000 or more every year. Would I be willing to help her find this special superman of a husband?
As I read the email I thought oh my gosh this girls been reading too many books on soulmates. And sure enough, when she walked into my office that proved to be true. She had attended so many soulmate workshops, had read all the number one best-selling books on how to find your soulmate… that she was convinced he was out there, but obviously she just needed my help for a few weeks in order to push her in the direction where she could locate him and ride off into the sunset on his huge white steed.
But surprises were in store for her. During our first couple sessions I said that it was interesting that she had all these preconceived notion’s of his height, haircolor and income… and of course she even had a vision board with pictures of men that look something like this hero she was looking for.
All over the vision board were quotations about income, quotations about the perfect soulmate husband… And I asked her would she be interested in following a slightly different path to find a really great husband?
She asked me to explain. So I said I want you to create a list of the personality characteristics that you’re looking for. Such as is he a good communicator? Is he funny? Is he trustworthy? And I asked her to go home and create a list of all of these attributes that could be the starting point to look for in a great man who could be husband material.
She came into the session, threw her notes down, and said David that exercise was boring as hell. I hope I’m not going to have to stay on this path because I’ve got all these vision boards made and I want to find that man that I’m looking for.
I smiled, shook my head and said we are in for a great ride. If you follow through with what I say I promise you you’ll find a great guy to potentially become a husband.
After a few weeks in following my system she said she had had enough. That she want to go back to all the famous books and authors that focused on pictures on a vision board, not the silly characteristics I was asking her to write about.
Fast forward a number of years. I’m at a large convention speaking on stage, I get off the stage and there’s a line of people that I go through each and everyone of them answering questions. At the very end of the line was a woman waiting patiently. When I came up to her she asks if I remembered her ?
I barely could but I couldn’t figure out from where. And then she said I’m your soulmate woman. With that statement we both started laughing so hard. She said I have to ask you if you have a half an hour for coffee, and tell you a story you’re going to love to hear.
As she started sharing the story I knew the direction she was going in. She told me when she left the office and she was not impressed with my work at all. No surprises there! But after a couple more months of chasing this perfect hunk of a man on her vision boards she pulled out the list of characteristics I had asked her to focus on.
And at that time, as she was looking at these characteristics, of a man who is trustworthy, funny, open with his emotions, determined to be successful in business and relationships, she decided to put her vision boards away and to start focusing on these attributes.
It was at the same time that she got a call from a former business partner, who also opened his own business just like she did, and he asked her to meet once a week for lunch to go over how they could become accountability partners for each other… So they could each grow their business at a faster rate.
She had so much fun with the lunches the times flew by. One day when he got up to go to the bathroom, a girlfriend she hadn’t seen in a while came over and started to remark to her about all the sparks flying between her and this new boyfriend. She immediately refused to accept that title that this guy was her new boyfriend. She thanked her friend, and said that’s no kind of a boyfriend I want, he’s just a good friend of mine and we’re doing business deals together.
Her friend, wouldn’t buy it and told her that the energy was electric between her and this man from across the room. And she should think about that whole thing of soulmates and maybe give this guy a chance to be in a relationship with her.
As her friend left the table all she could do was shake her head and say that is a silly idea. There’s no way this guy is what I want. He short, bald, a little overweight, nothing like my soulmate pictures.
But when she went home and started to revisit all the personality characteristics that her and I had come up with… She was sitting in shock. He was hilarious. He was a great listener. He was interested in her day. He was interested in her life. He was interested in her opinions about business. He was always on time. Respectful. Could this be a guy that I would even want to date? The thought continued to haunt her.
She knew he didn’t make $150,000 year. He sure as hell wasn’t 6 foot tall, he had no hair, his eyes were not blue… But then she slowed down. And said just maybe.
As the weeks went by she started to feel more drawn to him. Every time he laughed hysterically at their lunch meetings together, she couldn’t stop yourself from laughing. Every once in a while he would send her a sweet text, nothing mushy, but it always tied into something she had specifically said at their meetings. He actually paid attention to her mind as well as her smile!
Then my former client looks at me… And before she starts talking, there’s tears falling down my cheeks. She smiled and said, thank you so much David, you were right. He overwhelmed me with love, and we’ve been married for a number of years. I never would’ve seen the beauty in this man if you hadn’t guided me with so much wisdom in the art of this relationship.
We hugged and walked away. It made me reflect upon the beauty of her open mindedness. About her willingness to move away from the “mass consciousness nonsense of the perfect soulmate on a vision board “concept.
And I’m not saying that vision boards are stupid, or soulmate ideas are ridiculous but I just know the reality of relationships after being in this business for 37 years, is that sometimes, not all the times, but sometimes people get so focused on what the gurus are teaching us that we start believing in their words versus following our heart.
If you truly want deep love, a beautiful relationship, email me at the website www.davidessel.com and let’s look at what some of your beliefs are that may be unhealthy regarding love and relationships, and find a way to turn them around so you can you create and experience the type of love you desire.”