How to be Alone and Happy Over the Holidays
The holidays are right around the corner. The time of year when everyone is sharing joy, holiday stories, eggnog, fruitcake and more. And they’re doing it together. Except for you. And 20 million other people at the same time.
Depression increases dramatically over the holidays. But is it necessary?
For 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel has been giving hope to people around the world who are in a current state of struggle. Depression. Anxiety. And being alone during the holidays for many is a fate worse than death.
But David has news for you. If you follow these tips, not only can you learn how to survive the holidays, but you just might be able to beat the depression, and enjoy yourself at the same time.
“Many people spend time alone on the holidays because they want to. They’re sick and tired of the chaos and drama from their family. Or their in-laws. Or maybe they’ve been single for such a long period of time that they’ve just become used to being on their own during the season of joy.
And then there’s you. And maybe another 19,900,000 people who feel quite the opposite. Many people feel like they’re losers. They’re unwanted. They are unlovable. And they’re not quite sure what to do.
The following four tips can actually help you learn how to make the most out of this season while you’re on your own.
Number One. Write down the emotions that you’re feeling. Are you lonely? Sad? Angry? Maybe depressed? Anxious? Next to each of these emotions write why you are feeling that way. The number one way to heal from these so-called “negative emotions”, they’re not really negative at all they’re simply emotions, is to try to figure out why we’re feeling that way. That could be the start of healing right then and there.
Number Two. Create a new ritual this year around the holidays for yourself. What would make you feel special? Happy? For most of us, this means getting out of our own isolation. Isolation by itself can create, for many people who are not naturally introverts, a feeling of hopelessness.
So let’s shatter isolation. If you haven’t put up decorations for your holiday of choice, get the hell out of the house, to your local drugstore at the very least, and load up on lights, bulbs, candles and more. Sometimes just changing the visual cues in your home can immediately release feel good emotions in the brain. Why not give it a shot?
Number Three. Let’s go back to when I mentioned in number two. Isolation. Isolation kills the spirit. So this year is going to be different. You’re going to go out and volunteer. At the rescue mission. At Goodwill. At Habitat for Humanity. At senior centers where you can talk to the director and see if you can go in and just sit and talk to the seniors. But don’t help them, ask them questions. Don’t give them advice, ask them questions.
You see, people feel so much better when they’re talking about themselves. And you, while in the past you stayed isolated, depressed, maybe you ate your way through the holidays, or drank your way through the holidays, or smoked your way through the holidays… This year is different. You’re going to get out of your negative self centered nature and be of service to the world. Now that is a great way to deal with the holiday blues.
Number Four. Forgive yourself in writing for not doing the above three steps before this year. Take out your pen and paper, get out of victimhood, and forgive yourself for being a sad sack. And I’m not saying that in a negative way. I’m just saying hey let’s be realistic. If every year up until now you’ve been the victim, everyone else has a great family, everyone else has great in-laws, everyone else has a great partner and you’ve been alone forever. We have to get out of our own way and shatter the victimhood in order to heal.
I know the above steps can help you immensely. But I can’t do it for you. Let’s make together a new resolution before the new year. Let’s create a different approach to the holidays which then will carry a positive mindset into 2018.”
If you need additional help in making this holiday season more enjoyable, contact David at this website www.davidessel.com
Before you join the #metoo sexual harassment/abuse campaign publicly think about these important points.
Maybe, just maybe, the recent backlash against sexual abuse and harassment will finally wake up the world to the horrendous treatment of individuals that has been going on since the beginning of time.
To see so many celebrities, politicians and more being publicly scolded and hopefully penalized for their acts of sexual harassment and abuse has been a long time coming. The numbers of accusers is off the charts and now with the addition of Kevin Spacey it’s not just the heterosexual world that is being outed. The gay world is now publicly a part of the sexual harassment and abuse picture as well.
Number one best selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel has been working with individuals who have been mistreated in all walks of life, from marriages to the workplace as well as the family setting, for the past 28 years.
And in a large number of those cases he has worked with individuals who have been either sexually harassed or sexually abused.
And he is one of the many professionals who is currently working with several of these individuals who have decided to come out and to share their pain publicly but he has words of caution for many who may not be ready to be this open in the eyes of the public.
“It takes an incredibly strong person to be able to publicly admit that they have been sexually harassed or sexually abused . It’s the same type of strength it takes for someone who has been a closet gay, transgender or lesbian individual to come public with their true sexual identity.
In both cases, my concern is that if the person isn’t psychologically and emotionally ready for some form of backlash or even in regards to some form of support, coming out as part of the #metoo campaign could bring challenges that most people aren’t ready for.
Here are my recommendations to individuals who have not yet come forward to claim that they also have been sexually abused or sexually harassed before making the decision to come public with it.
Number One. Have you worked with a professional counselor, therapist, life coach or minister before you go public in order to deal with your anger, rage, shame, resentment or guilt? Many people that I have seen join the #meetoo campaign on social media are very far from ready in regards to the potential backlash that could happen when they join this campaign.
If they haven’t worked with a professional but they put on Facebook that they too have been sexually harassed or sexually abuse, some individuals may call them out to explain what actually happened to them. If you’re not ready to publicly declare what sexual harassment or abuse you went through it may push you back into the dark corners of your mind and make you feel actually more shame or guilt for coming forward before you’ve done the work to heal.
Number Two. If you do come forward and publicly claim that you have been sexually harassed or abused, are you ready to stand up to the person who did it? If it’s a family member and someone asked you to explain who it was and either on purpose or by accident you claim it was a member of your family… Are you ready to go through the list of those people that might ask you why you’re making this public knowledge?
If it’s a former boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife and you make a declaration in public about being treated improperly, are you ready and willing emotionally, and maybe even financially, to deal with the wrath of this person in public?
If it was a former boss, manager, or owner of a company and you make some type of hinted statement in regards to this, could that former boss, manager or owner come after you publicly or personally?
And what about your current employer? If they have seen that you’ve become public claiming that a former employer sexually harassed or abused you are you ready to answer questions from them? Are you potentially ready to be blackballed by your current employer from any type of advancement out of their fear that you may claim some statements against them?
I fully support individuals who have been harassed or abused in the past to do the healing first before they make their case public.
It’s the same thing when I work with alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, spending addicts and more. I tell each of them, before they come clean to their friends, family and the general public, to make sure they have a very strong grounded healing program that they have been following for at least one year before making it publicly known of theirs struggles with addiction.
And that might be very good advice for the person who has been a victim of sexual harassment and or sexual abuse.
In the past I worked with a woman who was sexually abused by her own father from the age of 11 until the age of 21. It wasn’t until I worked with her for one complete year, at the age of 40, that she was ready to come out to her family and openly admit what happened.
After working with a woman who had been brutally raped, for exactly one year, she was then ready to lend her voice to other victims and then share what she had learned from the experience and what she and I had gone through during our forgiveness program to be able to release her anger and rage at the person who brutally raped her.
Everyone has the right to have a voice in their healing process. But not everyone is ready to share their traumatic past to the public at the same time.
There may be some individuals that need very little professional help because intuitively they’ve known what to do all along to help them heal and to release the anger, rage and resentments against the person who sexually harassed or abused them.
But I think these numbers are very small. I think most people who have gone through this kind of trauma need ongoing professional help, for at least one year, in order to be solid enough and strong enough to withstand either the support or pushback from society.”
If you need help overcoming any type of trauma in life, from sexual abuse or harassment, to PTSD as well as overcoming any and all addictions, contact David directly at his website www.davidessel.com
David has been verified by psychology today is one of the top counselors and life coaches in America and is a verified relationship expert through www.marriage.com
The First Holiday Without Mom, Dad or a Lover: Four steps to take to ease into this transition in life.
Right now, millions of people who have recently lost their mom, dad, a partner or a family member, are heading into their first holiday season without their loved ones.
While many people struggle during the holidays with depression and or anxiety, this group can be especially hit hard because there is no pattern set in how to deal with the loss.
For 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel, has helped take people through the grieving process to prepare themselves for life without a loved one. And during the holiday season there are certain steps that we can take in order to learn how to deal with such a tragic loss at this time of year.
Here are David’s top four tips on how to prepare yourself for the holiday season without your loved ones.
Number one. “If you haven’t gone through the grieving process with a grief support group, a counselor, minister or coach it’s never too late to start it. This in my opinion is the number one key to be prepared for learning how to deal with the loss of a loved one during the holidays.
You can Google in your area a professional to work with, or a support group to join, and don’t think it’s too late. Even two or three meetings, or two or three counseling sessions can help to alleviate a portion of the pain and discomfort that will be felt during your first holiday season without someone who had been a very important part of your life for probably years.
Number two. Remove the desire for isolation. If you’re heading into the season without your mom, dad, lover or family member who used to bring you great joy during the holiday season, this can be incredibly difficult and one of the ways many people deal with it is to increase their isolation.
They feel in many ways that it’s too difficult to bring their sadness or depression out to other family members or friends, so they would rather stay indoors, behind closed doors than to reach out for the support that may be around them right now.
I recommend to my clients to at least be active one day a week during the holiday season. They don’t have to attend every function during the holidays but I think it’s crucially important that they remove themselves from their homes and experience at the very least the joy that others are feeling during this time of year. This one step can help ease them into a holiday season without someone very important to them.
Number three. I encourage all of my clients to write letters to their loved one that is no longer with them, sharing with them their sadness, how much they miss them, and also recalling stories of joy that they experienced together during the holiday season.
This Yin/Yang approach allows you to deal with the reality of sadness and at the same time allows you to live through your memories the beautiful times that you shared together during this time of year.
Number four. Upon my recommendation, several of my clients actually set up small shrines, or alters if you will, with pictures of their loved ones and maybe their favorite holiday photo. This is a way we can keep our mom, dad, lover or family member close to our heart during the holiday season.
Again, I will recommend, that you reach out to a professional and sit down and open your heart and soul to one who will know how to walk you through the grieving process, as well as the recovery process during the holidays.
A client that I’m currently working with right now that lost her son at a very young age several years ago had swept her emotions underneath a rug for the last several holiday seasons. But this year will be very different.
As we worked through her grieving process for the first time since her son left us, she is now pulling out pictures, ornaments and more that he used to love as a young boy so she can remember him with joy. That doesn’t mean that the sadness is gone, because she feels that too during our sessions, but for the first time she’s balancing out the sadness with positive memories and it’s making a huge difference in her life.
And with the right help you can follow in her footsteps and do the same very thing.”
If you need help through the grieving process, or with your depression during the holiday season, feel free to reach out to David directly at www.davidessel.com