Healing Stories: “I Will Never Be Able To Forgive Her.”
Sometime in your life, if it hasn’t happened now, it probably will in the future you will face great betrayal.
It may be from a close friend. A lover. A family member. A coworker.
They could be incredibly spiritual. Kind? They may have a high standing in society. Or they may be struggling in life. But whatever the case, most of us in life face betrayal. Someone breaks their word. Steals money. Cheats on you. Speaks behind your back. Destroys your reputation in society.
And what do we do?
For 27 years, number one best-selling author, counselor, life coach and radio host David Essel has helped thousands of people to overcome the brutal act of betrayal. But he never imagined he would have to put all of his own strength and energy and the techniques he teaches others into his own life as well.
Below is David’s story. A brutally honest recollection of an experience that changed his life.
“I fell so deeply in love with her. It was fast. It took both of us down this incredible path of love in almost an instant. I was ready for a deep ongoing relationship and I found it.
Not only did I fall deeply in love with this woman but also she had a young daughter that I bonded with equally as well.
Within a short period of time I started to become frustrated with the lack of her ability to follow through on her words. And this is something that I mentioned to every person in the beginning of a dating relationship. I can be very strong, very secure, but if you start backing out of your words, if you don’t follow through and do things you say you’re going to do, it will create havoc in our relationship. And this is exactly what started to happen.
I didn’t know when I first started dating her that she had quite a bit of financial challenges. So within a short period of time I found myself loaning her money to help her and her kids survive.
First it was one months rent and then one months back rent. Then her car needed multiple repairs. And then the big hit came when she had to have surgery and none of her family members would help her financially with a surgery that absolutely had to be done.
So I became the Savior. At that time I told her that we had to start writing up a legal agreement with all the money I had loaned her because I was feeling uncomfortable about where all of this was going. She agreed instantly. Which set my heart free. I could still love her and just realize she was going through a difficult time and be there to support her and her children. But they were still problems with our relationship.
She had a very hard time following her words. She would promise to do small or large task and then 70% of the time she would never follow through. I was becoming very impatient very irritated.
I still loved her deeply but I was sensing great limitations in our relationship .
Eventually, I ended the relationship. But as she was leaving, I realized she had no money for rent for her and her little girl, so I ended up continuing to pay rent on a regular basis to make sure she stayed afloat.
As the debt continue to rise. She was starting to make weekly payments, even a little bit at a time, which made me feel secure that we could at least stay friends. I could support her little girl and she would eventually pay me back the money.
But it wasn’t going to be that easy. One day, when I called her to set up a time for the weekly payment, she informed me that she had talked to her mom and several of her girlfriends and she wasn’t going to pay me back. I was shocked. She went on to tell me that everyone agreed that this is what boyfriends do they help their girlfriends financially and that’s just the way it is. No more money would be paid back.
I was in shock. But I shouldn’t have been. This was a trend that had been going on since early in our relationship. She would promise one thing, back out, and cancel her promises. On top of all this I had to slowly end my relationship with her daughter which broke my heart as much as having to end the relationship with this woman.
Nothing about this was easy. A number of months went by. My anger continued to grow. My resentments continued to grow and I knew I had to do something about it.
So I started the process of forgiveness that I have taught thousands of people since 1990.
Every day I wrote about my anger, my rage, my hurt, my sadness, my disappointment. This literally went on for months. I knew I had to get the poison out of my heart as I knew it was affecting me in such a negative way every day .
After all of my anger was gone, I started writing letters of forgiveness to her that I would either tear up or burn on a daily basis. I shared none of this experience with her as the problem really was within me. I needed to forgive so I could be at peace.
Then I began writing about my role in this experience. My codependency. I had turned into the white night, the Savior, wanting to make sure that she had everything she needed when the relationship was not one based on honesty or trust. That was my fault.
Betrayal, it happened on many levels, from the breaking of her words, to the borrowing of a large amount of money with no intention to pay it back.
And I had betrayed myself. When my intuition was saying I should not be loaning this amount of money to someone who had broken her words in the past, I was betraying my own intuition.
Once all of this was clear, I started writing about how she could do such a thing. I wanted to have compassion for her and her situation.
As I wrote, I recalled all of the terrible experiences she had growing up as a young girl. Emotionally abused by her mother. Physically abused by her stepfather. Physically abused by one of several husbands. As I wrote, my heart opened. A new day was beginning.
It took many many months to get to this level. I had no communication with her whatsoever during this time and she had no idea I was doing all of this intense forgiveness work on my part. It wasn’t about her, it was about me.
When I was fully clear, I waited several months before I figured I’d reach out and talk to her, and then all of a sudden hurricane Irma hit. One of my first concerns was now that I’ve forgiven her, is she OK with her kids.
That text, reaching out and asking is she set to face this massive hurricane? I felt anxiety inside me. Have a really forgiven her? If she responds with an attitude can I let it go? If she responds with gratitude can I let it go? In other words this was never about her, it was about me dealing with me.
Her response was immediate. Thankful. Grateful. My heart was open, I had done the deep work of forgiveness and I could be real, honest and vulnerable with her as a friend.
I became free, she became free. Then the next step surprised the hell out of me. I received a series of text from her telling me things that were incredibly powerful to hear. How I had taught her so much about life. How she had grown immensely. Her gratitude for everything I did to help her and her children. Several texts in a row open my heart even more.
She also shared that she was in a new relationship and my first response back was as you and I are continuing to reclaim this friendship, make sure your new boyfriend is aware of what you’re doing, I don’t want to create any chaos and drama for you or for me.
My work was done. The lines of communication are open if she ever wants to reach back out and I truly feel I can be friends with her at whatever level that means.
Don’t hold the poison of resentment and anger inside. Forgiveness is hard work. It never is easy. But I can tell you it’s so damn worth it. When I think of her name now my heart stays open. A year ago? Whenever I thought of her a sour feeling went through my body. That feeling is now gone. She has moved on, I have moved on, and peace is back in my life. You can do the same thing. If you need help, reach out and I will take you down the same path of forgiveness. It is worth the work.”
( From David’s new, and yet to be released book, “Focus! A step-by-step guide to huge success, a great attitude and profound love. ” )
Learn more about David and his one on one coaching and counseling here… http://davidessel.com/life-relationship-business-coach/
If you would like to reach David to help you with any relationship issues that you’re going through, please email him through the website www.davidessel.com