Healing Stories: Codependency – “My Mom Ruins My Life…Every Day”
Millions of people around the world had crappy childhoods. Parents that are ignorant. Addicted. Self-centered. That have no ability to teach love, respect, honesty or integrity.
And millions of individuals choose to rise above their experiences, by doing really intense deep work with a counselor, minister, life coach and more.
And on the other hand, unfortunately, millions upon millions more decide to stay stuck in victimhood. They continue to blame their parents for the crappy life they live as adults.
Number one best-selling author, counselor, life coach and radio host David Essel has helped millions of people over the past 37 years to overcome terrible childhood’s. But unfortunately, he’s also lost the battle with thousands more, who choose to stay victims in life.
The story below, from David’s number one best-selling book on positive thinking, illustrates the challenge of overcoming victimhood, as adults trying to live happily in the world today.
” I had received a phone call from a potential client that wanted to work on her relationships with men. She had been married multiple times, all of them ending in divorce, multiple children from multiple different fathers… And her life is spinning out of control.
But I had no idea when she came in for our first session, that the real issue she had went back to childhood. And that her drama and chaos continued today, because of her inability to let go of the past, as well as to let go of her current relationship with her mom which had spiraled for 30 years totally out of control.
As 0ur work continued, I was getting the full story. As a little girl, her mom chastised her, made fun of her for not being able to comprehend math. As the years went by, the chastising increased until when this girl was in high school, she dropped out. She couldn’t handle the constant criticism when her mom would tell her that she was dumb, stupid, and couldn’t figure out the simplest of math equations.
Now in my clients defense, this is a terrible, obviously an extremely emotionally abusive childhood to have for anyone. When you have your parent, or parents, criticizing you for being stupid, or lazy, or ignorant or whatever it might be , imprints within the subconscious mind, that we are worthless.
And so this young girl acted out her mom’s statements. By dropping out of high school, she proved her mom was right. That she wasn’t smart at all.
After a few years however something magical happened. She found a profession that she loved, A trade school gave her the foundation to be able to become her own boss.
By the age of 21, with no high school education and no GED, she opened her first business and earned $150,000 that year!
Now this sounds like a fairytale ending doesn’t it? The only problem is, is that this young girl had an extremely disturbingly codependent relationship with her mom. Her mom continued to tell her that while she was making this money that she was going to blow it… She didn’t know how to handle her money… Or her taxes… Or her bills… Or anything. And the young girl proved her mom right.
No matter how much money she made, she was constantly broke. And mom was right there the whole time telling her how ignorant she was with money, further putting into her subconscious mind that she was a worthless businesswoman.
And because of the statements from her mom, this young girl invited her mom into her business to do her books. And then her taxes. She believed her mom was right that she was ignorant around money, math and more and she couldn’t do this on her own… But that her mom who was brilliant with money supposedly, would come and rescue her.
Fast forward to the first two weeks I worked with this young woman, she was now in her early 40s. And guess what? Mom was still tagging along. Every week reminding her how stupid she was with money, and thank God her mom was with her in order to pay her bills, do her taxes, and generally harass the hell out of her about her ignorance.
Since this young woman was still trapped in this relationship with her mom, and told on a weekly and monthly basis how stupid she was, she could never grow past her mom’s comments.
Within a few weeks I was offering her the options of slowly removing her mom from her life. It was really the only way to go. She didn’t have the strength to stand up to her mom for more than a couple weeks, and so the best option for her would’ve been to eliminate mom from her life for a short period of time, maybe only 90 days, so she could start to regain some self-esteem, confidence and learn that there are many other accountants out there who could help her with her business and her taxes.
But this is where the power of codependency comes into play. In 2002, I said that “codependency is the largest addiction in the world today.”
And it is. This young woman was so codependent with her mom, that even though her mom was raging at her on a regular basis about how stupid she was… This young woman could not break those chains. That, is codependency at its worst.
It was shortly after my client and I had talked about an escape plan with her mom, that she stopped coming in for her work. And I told her it might happen. I told her that if her codependency was as deep as I thought, the solution would scare the hell out of her. Even though her mom was a horrendous person in her life, she could not pull herself away from this relationship… Mom had gotten her tentacles into this young girls brain and even in her 40s, she continued to believe her mom’s Words.
You are stupid. You are ignorant with math. You’re ignorant with money. Without me your life would absolutely suck.
Even though the statements weren’t true… The codependent takes them as fact.
Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending. But it does offer a great warning sign for everyone else in the world.
If you are in any type of a relationship with a mother, father, partner, friend, coworker, boss… And you are an adult… And you’re allowing them to demean you, to put you down, it is your responsibility and yours alone to shatter this terrible addiction of codependency.
No one deserves this. But like all addictions, they are hard as hell to break. And almost impossible to break on your own.
From her 20s to her 40s, unfortunately, this young woman is constantly in financial stress. She’s constantly owing people thousands upon thousands of dollars. She has zero self-esteem. Zero self-confidence. And in my humble opinion, until we totally break away from these type of people… We will never reach inner peace, or our full potential.
It’s up to you. I do not agree with the philosophy that “well they’re my family, you can’t abandon a family member.” That statement is absolutely ridiculous! If you use that to justify staying with a family member who emotionally puts you down or abuses you… That is insanity.
On the other side, we have helped thousands of people in similar circumstances to the client I’ve written about above, to break free, to create their own life, their own independence… And find inner peace and contentment sometimes without any contact with a family member for the rest of your life.
Now I don’t think everyone has to completely eliminate a person who is unkind, condescending or emotionally abusive… But I do believe that we need to learn to set serious boundaries with consequences, in order to regain our own sense of self, self-confidence and self-esteem.
You can do this. We will never do it on our own. We will need help from a counselor, coach, therapist, minister or more in order to shatter the tentacles of codependency. Make sure you’re doing this today.”
If you need help with this type of the situation, visit David’s website and look under the specialty courses for his number one best-selling course on codependency, at http://davidessel.com/co-dependency-kills/