Is It Ok to Ask Your Partner to Change?

Is it OK and do you have the right, to ask your partner to change a behavior that’s not healthy?

This debate has gone on since the beginning of time.

So many mental health professionals have sided with the concept that we should not ask our partners to change we should just be able to accept them for who they are.

For the past 40 years, I’ve been involved in the world of personal growth as a counselor, minister, master life coach, speaker, number one best selling author, and more and for the first 10 years of my career, I agreed with this outmoded philosophy, that we should just learn to accept our partner as they are and not ask them to change.

But I’ve grown up, I’ve matured, and I see how infantile this belief system is and how damaging it can be to a relationship, marriage, and children in a family.

Recently I was working with an individual whose wife over the past couple of years has increased her drinking dramatically, she is a functioning alcoholic, able to go to work, but she’s gained weight, her attitude has gone into the ditch, she’s changed the type of friends she hangs around with and now all of her girlfriends are into the party mode, and the counselor he was working with said to him “you just need to learn to accept your wife as she is.“

Because his wife is working with a separate counselor, her counselor told his wife the same thing! “Your husband has no right to ask you to change, you are who you are, be proud of yourself, and just keep living life your way. He will have to come to accept it.“

I shake my head at this insanity, that my professional industry continues to promote moving forward in life.

My response?

Hell yes! You have every right in the world to ask your partner to change habits that are hurting your marriage or relationship, your finances, your health and they could be hurting the children in the household if you do have children.

We even teach our single clients in the dating process, that if they meet someone who checks all the boxes except they have one unacceptable habit, we say to them ask this person you’re dating if they’d be willing to change… And if they say no then just be willing to walk away.

Then we have that old ridiculous adage “you have to be willing to change for yourself not someone else“, again that quote is from prehistoric times.

When I got sober I didn’t get sober for myself at first, I got sober because the woman I was dating called me out one night and said that at some point I’m going to choose alcohol over her… And she was right!

So I initially got sober to save the relationship, and then after the relationship ended I was so glad that she had challenged me like that because I’ve stayed sober for the rest of my life.

So let’s make it really simple, here are the reasons when and why you should have every right in the world to ask your partner to change:

Number One. If you have children. You have every right in the world to ask your partner to eliminate alcohol, nicotine, vaping, emotional spending, or any other habit they have that could be a negative influence on your children.

I don’t care what anyone else says, you have every right in the world to ask your partner to change if they have a habit or belief system that is damaging to the children’s mental, physical, psychological, or spiritual growth.

Number Two. I had a woman recently ask me about what to do with a guy she was dating. He was awesome in so many ways but he did not take care of his physical health and was probably 60 to 70 pounds overweight.

And what do you think my answer was? Well first I had her give her a question, “do you want to be with someone for the rest of your life that may be 60 or 70 pounds overweight? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it turn you off?

And her answer to all the above questions showed her exactly what she needed to do.

So she asked the guy if he would be willing to get into an exercise program with her so that they had something in common to do together since he never exercised.

He told her “No” that he wasn’t into exercise and that he was very happy being overweight, and never really intended to change.

That made it very easy for her to move on, because who wants to be with a partner that will not take care of their bodies? We all know down the road that’s going to increase dramatically the chance of early onset of disease!

Number Three. If your partner puts you down in front of others, in front of your family, or even when your one on one.

Yes, you have every right in the world to ask your partner to change! And if you don’t do it, it just shows that you were an extremely codependent individual afraid to rock the boat, instead of an independent person who’s willing to stand up and fight for what is right.

If you’re not treated correctly, you have every damn right in the world to ask your partner to change.

Or what if your partner is extremely disorganized, leading to constant stress, chaos, and drama in the household?

In my training, we take people down the pathway and show them how their disorganization is negatively affecting their partner, children, in such a way that is compassionate, yet firm. Encouraging them to learn time management skills so the insanity in the household finally comes to an end. Is that too much to ask of someone? I don’t think so.

Now this article will probably upset a lot of counselors, coaches, therapists, and more… Because everyone is so used to being in that weak mindset of “I don’t have the right to ask my partner to change.“

And I’m saying the opposite. You have every right in the world to ask your partner to change if the changes are going to be better for you, them, the relationship, and the family.

Quit being so afraid of being criticized, rejected, or even have someone leave you over something you consider “a deal killer in love.“

There are 1000 other examples I could give today explaining that you do have the right to ask your partner to change, but I think you get the general idea from when I’m writing above

I have several clients I’m working with right now that are in 12 step programs, and their partners are deep alcoholics and in the programs, they’re in they are being told “don’t worry about your partner’s side of the street, only worry about your side of the street.“

It sounds so simple, and it is so unhealthy! If your partner has a serious addiction, and it’s ruining the family finances, communication, and or love… You have every right in the world to give them an ultimatum to change or to leave!

So many of these philosophies that I’m trying to tear apart today have been around for so long we accept them as if they’re true even though they are extremely unhealthy…

If you’re unsure of how to approach your partner, we have created programs to help individuals slowly walk into becoming more independent, and slowly gaining the confidence to ask their partner to change a habit or belief system that they’ve carried maybe for years that is not healthy for everyone involved.

Reach out to me at www.DavidEssel.com from anywhere in the world via phone or Skype, and I’ll take you through our process of how to gradually get the strength and courage to ask your partner to change, and then to learn how to set boundaries and consequences to make sure those changes stay in place.

Crappy attitude. Laziness. Procrastination. Extreme negativity. There are 1 million reasons to ask your partner to change, don’t back down and accept something negative, when you are worthy of so much more.“

David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.”

His work as a counselor and minister has been verified by organizations like psychology today, and marriage.com, which has verified David is one of the top relationship counselors and experts in the world.

To work with David one on one simply visit http://www.Davidessel.com