Sex? The Evolution of Men and Sex

Men and Sex? As we evolve, we radically change.

Imagine this:

A client comes into my office, about 50 years of age, in excellent health, with a lifetime of incredible sexual desire, sexual drive, and sexual accomplishment in his mind… But he’s unaware of why when he gets upset with his wife that he cannot have sex at all!

Make-up sex? That was something that he used to rely on… As a “false prophet“ way of pretending everything is great only to have things melt down another week or two later.

Make-up sex can be great, but only if people have truly “made up over their differences“before they have sex.

Many people, will use “make-up sex“, as a way to not deal with the issue, which means the issue is just coming back.

But let’s get back to my client.

So we’re sitting talking and he just doesn’t understand how his libido has dropped so dramatically after he has a disagreement or an argument with his wife.

The first thing I had him do was go and have his hormones checked, and the doctor said that his hormones were phenomenal!

Because he works out regularly and eats really clean, doesn’t do any type of drugs, the doctor told him that he had the testosterone level of a 20 year old and his estrogen level, which often can mess up men’s sexual life, was totally in a healthy range, and this was from a hormone expert that I’ve been doing this work as a medical doctor for 30 years.

So when he came back with that end result, I knew that there had to be something emotional, or psychological that had shifted within him, that wasn’t going to work anymore for him just to be the “sexual king“, and have sex anytime he wants it.

There’s huge pressure for men in society to be able to perform on command, men are called “sexual dogs“, many times over the years, because all it takes is them to be attracted or horny and they can have instant sex on the spot!

But with my client? Well, that used to be him but it’s not him anymore and he’s totally confused.

He was someone in good shape so he considered his sexual identity as a huge part of his existence. When he dated women, he was always looking forward to the response telling him he was such a great lover, that he could stay hard forever, and he was very proud of his ability to control his sexuality and to please every woman he’s ever been with.

Things though had changed and he didn’t understand what was going on.

He explained to me that he and his wife had had several different arguments over the last number of months and after everyone, even though she was in the mood to have sex, he could not get an erection, he could not even create a desire for sex even though he was totally in love with his wife!

He would tell her every day how much he loved the way she looked, the clothes she wore and he loved her body so much that he made sure to remind her daily how attracted he was to her.

So the question from him to me was, “David, how can I be in love with my wife, how can I love her body, yet it takes 3 to 4 to 5 days after an argument to be able to even have any sexual drive, or to even be able to have an erection?“

Now, if you remember from above, the first thing I had him do is to make sure that no physical complications were blocking him from being sexual.

So now we had to look at the other options: Was it emotional and psychological? Was he lying to himself that he was really attracted to his wife? Or had there been some other change in his life that was now reflecting in a change in his sexuality?

In our continued work which lasted over six months, we got this amazing understanding of why his body was changing… It was because his mind was changing!

He was also on a very deep spiritual path and had been working on compassion, connection with his wife and other people, and truly try to be of service, he even mentioned the words that “he worships his wife even though he’s an alpha male, he worships his wife.“

I gave him a series of writing exercises and the responses that came in the next session were absolutely mind-blowing… He had found the connection between sexuality, spirituality, and love versus pure sexual raw energy.

Do you see the major difference here?

Because of his deep spiritual work and his work to become a more compassionate, a more understanding human being, his whole response system to sexuality was now totally tied into his emotional responses to his wife in the world.

 What that means is, similarly to many women, he could not now perform sexually until he was in a grounded calm state emotionally with his wife!

At first, when we came to this conclusion he was extremely disappointed… He didn’t want this change… He still wanted to be that sexual animal that could make love on the drop of a dime regardless of what was going on with him and his past girlfriends or his current wife.

He kept saying to me, “David but I’m not being a real man… A real man should be able to get an erection on command… My hormones are perfect I should not be sitting here next to my beautiful wife in bed unable to perform, just because I’m emotionally ungrounded or just because we had argued.”

As soon as he said those statements, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and realized he had just opened the doorway to a new form of love, a deeper form of love.

As we continue to work together I shared this with him:

“Many times in life, when we start to grow and mature as men, there are radical changes that happen within our bodies.

Some men quit drinking alcohol completely because they’ve matured enough to see the damage it’s done to relationships or their health.

Other men when they reach a certain level of maturity realize it’s not all about making money in life, that maybe it’s just as important to be able to allow others to receive some of the bounty of finances you’ve had, and many men stop worrying about following the stock market and constantly obsessing over their investments… To become freer emotionally and available to be of greater service to this world.

My client was now understanding something so profound, that many men never reach in their lifetime: his love for his wife was so deep, that it wasn’t just about sex anymore!

He needed to allow his emotional responses, after a disagreement or an argument with his wife, to be calmed down before he could be ready to perform sexually again.

When we discovered this together, it was this major breakthrough, and it allowed him then to ask himself the question… “Should I share all of this with my wife?“

So I gave him an exercise of writing the pros and cons list of sharing this most intimate information with his wife, and he came back the next week telling me that there was no option, he couldn’t hide this from his wife because she needed to know what was going on with him mentally, emotionally and how the effect of his mind and emotions had on his body and his ability to be sexual.

Now, this was a very difficult conversation to have, because his wife had always known him as a highly sexual man who really loved to have sex on an extremely regular basis.

Would she be able to accept her “new husband”? Would he be able to accept himself?

And the end result was something that I was hoping would happen: his wife not only understood the connection between emotions and sex because she had experienced that most of her life, but she was outrageously proud that he came to her, so open, so vulnerable, as a male telling her that his sexual drive was now related to his emotional connection and grounding with her!

What a compliment! What a beautiful understanding! What an incredible end result that his wife not only understood but supported him 1000%!

He remembered going to bed that night, and he and his wife were talking sweetly and gently, and he knew that she wanted to make love but there was no way his body could respond.

So the very next thing he said was “, honey can I take care of your needs tonight, don’t worry about me I’ll be fine in another day or two, but is there anything I can do to pleasure you?“

Now, another major change has taken place!

When most men, who for whatever reason cannot perform sexually will shut down, he opened up and put his wife’s needs first before his own… Something he had never done before in his entire life!

His hormones, his physical reaction to sexual performance, was now totally tied into his new way of living: his new spiritual experiences with life, his newfound sensitivity to life, and most importantly his newfound ability to communicate openly and honestly on very touchy subjects with a woman of his dreams.

As men, we never read stories like this enough.

As men, we still think of ourselves as “sexual gods“, who are supposed to be performing at a drop of a hat regardless of our age, emotional situation, stress levels, or anything else that can divert our sexual drive into something non-eventful.

As a mental health professional for over 42 years, I can tell you that my dream is to have this happen to more and more men over the world.

My dream is for men to drop their bullshit macho image, and become incredibly in tune with their lover, so much so that they can talk openly and honestly even about challenging situations like sex, or in some cases, erectile dysfunction, and so many other topics that men shy away from and their wives or girlfriends are afraid to bring up.

I know in my own experiences with intimacy, my mode of operation has changed romantically over the past 30 to 40 years, and like the client written above, I have found a way to deeply connect my emotions with my own sexuality and sexual performance.

If you’re a man who is reaching different levels of even maybe possible confusion, of why our sexuality is changing, of course, some of it can be related to age some of it could be related to low testosterone levels some of it could be related to medication that we take that has a negative effect on sustaining erections.

But my main focus with men is helping them come to an emotional centeredness, and emotional inner peace around their sexuality, that they don’t have to be “the star sexual athlete“, anymore!

Then a man can have several days or maybe even several weeks due to stress at work, stress at home, or just stress, in general, that may start to dampen his sexual drive as well as his ability to be sexual with his partner.

Can you imagine how this world would change, how all relationships would change, as we destroy the old mass consciousness theory that men should be able to have sex at any second and switch that to understanding that men may need downtime during stressful periods of life before their sexuality is pure, strong and real?

And yes this ties into our hormones as well!

When we’re stressed, anxious, or depressed… That all involves hormones that are highly related to our sexual ability to perform.

So we’re beginning with a shift emotionally that has a profound effect on our physical hormones!

The great news from my perspective as a counselor is that because the issue begins in the mind and the emotions, with the correct communication skills between myself and my clients, and as I teach them these communication skills to take home to their partner, we can start to see a huge decrease in the conflict in relationships and a huge increase in confidence in a male, who may need 3 to 4 to 7 days of processing his emotions before his strong sexual drive returns.

And guess what? That’s OK to not only have happened, but it’s extremely important when it does to learn how to communicate these things with love with your partner.

If you need help in any of these areas of sexuality as a man, or even as a woman, contact me directly at https://www.davidessel.com as we work with people from all over the world via phone and Skype.

But please don’t make this one mistake: don’t wait, take care of it today.“

David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is a new leader of the positive thinking movement.“

His work as a counselor and minister has been verified by so many different organizations such as Psychology Today, Theravive, Therapy Tribe and marriage.com has verified David is one of the top counselors and relationship experts in the world.



To work with David one on one, from anywhere in the world, please visit https://www.davidessel.com 

If you would like to read another article on intimacy you can read it right here… Intimacy?