Separation? Can It Be Used to Save a Marriage?

The struggles around the world continue.

Depression. Anxiety. Insomnia. PTSD. Relationship issues. Divorce.

It seems never-ending, doesn’t it?

For the past 40+ years, I’ve worked as a counselor, minister, number one bestseller, and master life coach and I have seen a dramatic uptick in the number of relationships in the last two years that are heading for disaster or have already hit the wall.

So what do we do?

Wait until the end of the pandemic is surely not the answer… So what do we do now to save relationships and our own sanity?

I’m going to give you a couple of options below but the main one surprises many people, it’s where in the world of therapy we use “separation“, as a way to save a marriage or relationship.

Over 20 years ago I started talking about this after working with a couple out of Philadelphia, who had constantly been arguing for years, and when I told them about a program that we had created where they will live apart, but stay together as a married couple, they were extremely confused.

But it worked!

By separating for 90 days with a contractual program we gave them, they were able to save their marriage, slowly begin to move in together, with a totally new outlook on love and life!

I always tell clients if there is severe addiction, severe emotional and or physical abuse, or affairs that are never-ending and the afflicted partner who is in the affairs has no intention of ending them, it’s not worth separating to try to save the relationship or marriage it’s really just worth getting the hell out of there!

But what about the scenarios that are less dramatic? Or maybe you argue once a week but it’s intense… Or maybe you argue every three or four days and it’s intense… Or maybe you’ve built such great walls between yourselves that intimacy and sex rarely happen, resentments build, excuses are made and before you know it, The relationship is heading for disaster.

So let’s take a look at living apart while staying together in a monogamous relationship.

While there are many more details and I can share here in our living apart, staying together program, the basics are the same:

Number One. In order to break the tension, in order to break the resentments, the anger, and more it is extremely beneficial for one of the couple to move out to another residence for 90 days.

This 90-day separation will give everyone a chance to calm down, learn emotional regulation, and at the same time learn how to agree to disagree in never-ending arguments.

Number Two. I help the couple create a contract, of what’s going to happen over the next 90 days including the fact that they will stay monogamous, out of any emotional and/or physical affairs.

Number Three. During this 90-day program of separation, we have an agreement in the contract where the couple decides that they’re going to see each other 2 to 3 days per week. We pick topics that they need to discuss, and then when I meet with them each individually during the week they share with me how their discussions are going and how the movement is happening in the marriage, either forwards, or backward.

It is during this time that I personally help most of the couples with individual mental health issues: many times when they separate there can be separation anxiety, depression, but those characteristics have been there long before the separation.

Or maybe there are other mental health issues like addiction to alcohol or food or nicotine or drugs… That could be self-medicating, covering up underlying conditions that can be negatively affecting the relationship.

So the mental health part of my work when I’m working with a couple who is in the 90-day separation phase is incredibly important.

(if you are interested, we have a course that you can take with me one on one called “the Mental Health Solution“, or if you want to take that course in a group setting, we are offering it in Fort Myers, Florida on Saturday, May 15th, to sign up or for more information visit http://www.DavidEssel.com )

Number Four. Every week when there’s a check-in, my clients talk to me about what went well, what didn’t work, and what changes they see that need to be made on their side of the relationship to bring the two people back together.

Here’s a quote from one of the many couples that we have taken through this living apart while staying together program over the past 20+ years.

“There is no way in the world we’d still be married today if it wasn’t for David Essel‘s living apart, but staying together program.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years, 26 of it was not happy, or healthy years, and I wanted to divorce worse than anything.

During my individual work with David, he recommended that we do the 90 days living apart but staying together program.

It was miraculous! My husband was not into it at all in the beginning, but he finally came around and he has become the man I’ve always wanted him to be.

And myself? I shattered my own codependency through my work with David, making me a stronger more independent wife, which actually is a thrill and turns my husband on.

If you’re relationship or marriage is on the rocks, you’ve got to give this program with David a try. The results, have been phenomenal.“ Debbie, New York.

So please don’t give up yet!

Join me with my program, simply email me for a 30-minute introductory session, which is only $97 and we can explain the incredible program to you before you even jump right in at https://davidessel.com/counselor-master-life-coach/

Don’t wait for tomorrow, it might be too late. Let’s start today and save your relationship.”

David’s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“

His work as a counselor and minister has been verified by many organizations including, Psychology Today, Theravive, Therapy Tribe as well as marriage.com who calls David one of the top counselors and relationship experts in the world.



To find out more about saving your relationship or to help with any mental health issues please visit http://www.DavidEssel.com